I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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