that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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