I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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