He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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