I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
