I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
