At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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