He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
