So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i think i have two assholes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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