Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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