She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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