Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
