I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.