i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.