No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.