Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize