It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
