I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
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