I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
