I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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