New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
