o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
