OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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