She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
