I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
