I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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