no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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