Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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