Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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