my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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