dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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