I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
