i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
