I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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