I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
