I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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