I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this beer tastes like vomit already
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
