and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
