My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
