she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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