i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
