does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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