you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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