I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
