Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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