dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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