She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
