we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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