your parents love me but you hate me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
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What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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