my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize