Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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