his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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