don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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