Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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