You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
