There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
